Seedless in Seattle by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Author:Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781844883448
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2015-07-06T04:00:00+00:00

6

A Dummy Pass

My phone rings while I’m sitting at the bor. It’s, like, an Irish number – one I don’t recognize? – but I answer it anyway. I’m there, ‘Hello?’

A woman in a singsong voice goes, ‘Hi, this is Julie from the Mastercard Fraud Team.’

I’m there, ‘Hello, Julie from the Mastercord Fraud Team,’ flirting my orse off with her.

I’ll never change. I don’t think anyone would want me to.

She goes, ‘I’m ringing because we’ve noticed some unusual activity on your account recently. Do you mind if I run through some recent transactions with you?’

She’s got a lovely tone to her voice. I’m there, ‘Yeah, no, fire away, Julie.’

‘Okay,’ she goes, ‘there’s one from this morning from Harrods dot com for £849 sterling.’

‘What?’

‘There’s another one from last night – again it’s Harrods dot com – for £975 sterling. There’s one from the day before yesterday for Ticketmaster dot com – that’s for €180 euro. There was also a purchase made that same day – Tiffany & Co …’

‘Tiffany? Shut the front door!’

‘That was for €760 euro. Then there’s Brown Thomas – an online purchase – for €1,400 euro. Then the same day there’s another purchase from a website called Petit Tresor dot com and that’s for €770 euro.’

‘I don’t focking believe it.’

‘So you’re confirming that there has been fraud on this account?’

‘No, that’s not fraud. I mean, I don’t know of any thief who could go through my money that fast. That kind of damage could only be the work of a wife or a daughter.’

‘Right.’

‘And in this case it’s a daughter.’

I can’t describe to you how suddenly pissed off I am.

‘Okay,’ she goes, ‘would you like to put a block on that card?’

I’m there, ‘I would genuinely love to say yes to you – unfortunately, the kid has shit on me?’

She seems a bit taken aback by that statement.

I’m like, ‘Just tell me how much is on the cord.’

She’s there, ‘Well, the current balance on the account is … €11,074 euro.’

‘And what’s my limit?’

‘It’s €11,300 euro.’

‘So she’s not going to be able to fit anything else on that cord?’

‘You’re €226 euro from your ceiling.’

‘It’s basically maxed out, in other words?’

‘Unless you make a payment.’

‘Yeah, no, I won’t be doing that. Five grand in three focking days. Paris Hilton wouldn’t spend that. Thanks for your help, Julie.’

I hang up, then I ask Sergio for another pint of Ken. While he’s pulling it, I knock back what’s left of my last one.

I’ve been sitting here all evening, thinking about Erika and obviously Amelie. I’ve been trying to ring the girl every, like, five minutes, except she’s not answering her phone, and from the number of missed calls she’s had from me, she’s probably twigged that I’ve twigged?

I’ve a mind like an electric cor. I’m focking slow, but I get there eventually.

I try her one more time. Again, it goes straight to her voicemail. That’s thirty-eight times now. She could probably take out some kind of injunction against me if I wasn’t a blood relative.

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